Conflict Management in the Family

What is conflict?
How does it arise?
How does it affect the family?
How do we manage/approach conflict?
Role of the Church Action Plan

What is conflict?

The differences over issues of family/public concerns is conflict. Conflict is normal in life. We live with it in our day-to-day life.

How does it arise?

Conflict can arise in many different areas and affect our family, employment, community or social relationship. Conflict arises due to no proper communication between spouses and between parents-children, children-children. No active listening, no respect towards the other, nagging always………., no time for each other, are the reasons for conflict in the family.

How does it affect the family?

The results of conflict in the family are:

•  Family peace and unity gone

•  Some run away from the family.

•  Some commit suicide.

•  Divorce or split in the family.

•  Develop hatred and even killing takes place.

How do we manage/approach the conflicting problem?

•  Spending time with the family, understand the situation.

•  Spend time with each individual. Parents should spend time with each child.

•  Provide job opportunity

•  Providing family counseling

Role of the Church

•  Each Church should have a Counseling Centre.

Some Basic Princples :

Respecting each other's personality

•  Bearing each other's burden

•  Learning to share with limited resources

Maintain gender justice

•  Giving time for each other and praying together

•  Accepting each other's differences

•  Listening to each other's activity

•  Develop mutual communication.

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT IN THE FAMILY 

The differences over issues of family/public concerns is conflict. Conflict is a normal part of life. This is our every day life. Conflict can arise in many different areas and affect our family, employment, community, or social relationship. It can be transformed to produce change and growth. But, conflict can also hurt and destroy. As it is not easy to avoid or suppress conflict, it is important to deal with it through resolution techniques. Our response to conflict help determine its constructive or destructive course. The choice is ours. Seeking ways or help to improve overcoming controversies and deal with their differences is management.

Introduction:

Let me begin this presentation by reminding ourselves of the definition of family. Family is the primary social unit or it is a mini society. As Christians, we believe that family is ordered by God. The desire to belong to a family is inbuilt in all …….. Family is the most decisive factor in the personality formation of a person. Physical, spiritual and psychological development takes place through the nurture in the family. Family also is provided with basic needs such as food, shelter and clothing. The needs of security and feeling of ‘ belonging ' also is provided by the family. Ideology and philosophy of life also takes shape within the family.

Societies with…..family systems : such as Chinese and Indian society uphold their values and the cultures remain strong. When families wither away, the society also perishes. So for the strengthening of society, the best way is to build up healthy families.

Family Conflict – How does it arise?

Let me start only with basic unit family which includes father, mother and children. Conflict arises when people interact with each other. Each individual has his/her own ideas, ambitions and life-style. The other family members may not agree to it. Social reasons such as poverty, unemployment, illiteracy, alcoholism, drug addiction and illness may contribute towards the conflictual situation within the family.

Analysis

Conflict between spouses – conflict between parents and children and conflict between children. Because of no proper communication, no attentive listening, no respect towards the other.

How does it affect?

The results of conflict in the family are:

•  Family peace and unity gone

•  Some run away from the family.

•  Some commit suicide.

•  Divorce or split in the family and killing begins

How do we approach this problem?

•  Spending time with the family to understand the situation and praying.

•  Provide job opportunity

•  Spend time with each one individually.

How do we manage/approach these problems: Some Basic Principles

•  Communication :

Communication is one of the basic principles for a healthy home. Without proper communication one cannot expect to establish a healthy relationship between the spouse and between parents-children. Sharing one's feeling in an open and frank manner with honest helps develop a healthy relationship between spouses, parents-children. Ultimately no conflict arises. I cannot mention this to my husband, it makes him furious. Some couples find many areas on which they cannot talk about, others quarrel about everything, even the things which may be merely a difference which could be dealt with and worked out.

•  Active Listening :

“Be a ready listener and do not answer until the other person has finished talking”. (Prov. 8:13). We live in a competitive world, therefore there is no time to listen to each other. In our modern world today there are too many problems, conflict, crisis, suicide, mental disturbances, because many people are looking for an ear that will listen to their story of hurt, sadness. But they do not find them among the Christian community because Christians are talking when they should be listening. He who no longer listens to his brother/sister will no longer listen to God either.

•  Respect :

Respect each other's values and qualities of life without nagging. Each one has something to share and contribute.

•  Acceptance :

Accept your spouse/children as she/he is without conditions Jesus Christ accepted and spoke on forgiveness to the woman of Samaria . Jesus always looked at the person with the eyes of correction and reconciliation within themselves, with others and with God. Can we learn something from Jesus?

•  Understand the person and the situation :

Understanding of a person and the situation he/she is going through is vital. If we understand each other well, conflict does not arise.

•  Spend time with the family:

As far as possible try to spend time with the family.

•  Bearing with each other's burden.

•  Learning to share with limited resources.

•  Observing gender justice

•  Giving each other time and praying together

•  Accepting each other's differences

•  Say Sorry:

Learn to say sorry when you make a mistake and realise that you are wrong. Even to our children we should be able to say sorry. That will break the bridge between the family members.

•  Care of Children :

Agreement on how to raise their children is a crucial part of parental team-work. It is the foundation of unity. What do they want their children to be like? What do they see as each other's responsibility in planning for and raising the children? How do they set rules for children to follow? Who enforces them and how?

A lack of agreement on the answer to these questions can create conflict situation in the already existing tension in the relationship of husband and wife.

The Christian emphasis upon the husband-wife relationship is crucial to the life of the family is confirmed in our daily living. If father-mother quarrel frequently about the discipline of the children, there may be a deeper problem. What seems to be a difference of opinion may be a marital struggle between husband-wife.

Without being aware of it, that they are making the child a scapegoat, while expressing their disappointment in each other. In severe marital conflict, the child may develop “sick behaviour” or “problem behaviour” in order to take the attention off his parents conflict and focus it upon his own.

•  Conflict between spouses :

Agreement about basic values is closely related to marital success, but it must not be assumed that a husband and wife need to be alike in all aspects of their loyalty to ultimate values.

The important thing is that they are working towards understanding their basic commitments and sharing with each other.

We must not jump to the conclusion that “if only I can get my husband/wife to go to church with me” the issue is settled. No doubt, religious activity may have a uniting effect, but it can also be disruptive as each clarifies his/her real convictions.

•  Treat children equally :

Observe gender justice.

The danger of favouritism among the children. Each child is a gift of God. They come to the family as an individual with different talents and gifts, characteristics and personality. The task of the parent is to spend time with each

child, care and love them equally. When the parents show favouritism among the children, conflict begins there. Among our own children one may be more handsome and prettier than the other brothers and sisters. Unlucky ones may be even handicaps, one may be slow in learning. But love them equally, understand each individual and treat them accordingly. In Gen.27:1-46 is recorded about family conflict. The father (Isaac) loved Esau the elder son, while Rebekah (mother) loved Jacob the younger son.

•  cheating or deceiving , began to tell lies

•  hatred developed and desire to kill (v.41)

•  Difficult to live together so had run away (v. 43b)

•  Conflict begins between the children.

Many children develop insecurity within themselves because they do not get enough love from parents, get frustrated and turn away from real life to all kinds of dangerous ways e.g. alcoholism, drugs, sex etc. Some run away from home because they do not get enough love at home. Some people become violent and commit crimes.

•  Role of the Church

•  The pastoral visit is vital. Pastor should try to reach the families of his/her congregation members.

•  Each church should have family counseling centre. Pulpit ministry alone is part of the Pastoral ministry. But counseling is one of the basic areas which the churches neglect. Therefore each church should have a counseling centre through which the church can minister fully to the problem of her congregation members. No doubt, the church has many programmes for youth - Youth Retreat, Youth Summer Camp, Youth Bible Study. Churches are programme- oriented but the Church should emphasise more on personal discipleship.

Conclusion:

The home is the building block of society. The nearest thing to heaven on this earth is the home where husband and wife, parents and children live in love and peace together for the Lord and for each other.

The nearest thing to hell on earth is an ungodly home, damaged by sin and iniquity, where parents quarrel and bicker and children are abandoned to the devil and all the forces of wickedness.

In God's economy, family is the smallest complete unit of society on the earth. As goes the family, so goes the nation, and civilization, and the world.

As the conflict at home, so conflict in society and community where we live, and the conflict all over the world.

To resolve the problem is open to you/us. The choice is yours/ours.

Group Activity

•  Do you have any experience of conflict in the family, your family or other's? Share your experience.

•  How can we manage/or respond to this conflict?

•  Make some Conflict Resolution.